


The Butts Match

by RoyHankins



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Fluff, Gen, I'm the lowest of the low, humor?, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23367292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyHankins/pseuds/RoyHankins
Summary: Bruce Wayne long ago found the perfect way to make sure no one genuinely thought he was Batman.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 85





	The Butts Match

It all began in the early days, soon after Bruce Wayne had started his eternal fight on crime. There were many ways he planned over the years to obfuscate this public persona with his crime-fighting antics, but in the end, this first one had proved to be the most effective. This was in the days when the internet was still primitive, but on the Usenet boards, anywhere Bruce could find to post about it, but especially ones where people shared conspiracy theories, he did his work.

He’d just finished what he thought to be his masterwork, as Alfred approached him from behind, his eyes on the screen of the Batcomputer. It displayed a post from the user BruceWayneIsTheBatman, the same username Bruce had chosen on every website, and it began with two links: one to a tabloid shot of Bruce Wayne from a recent appearance at a popular play, taken from behind; the other a dark and blurry picture of the Batman, also taken from behind, with his cape fluttering in the wind. It had been making the rounds online and even a few real life newspapers, a rare picture of the still new vigilante in Gotham City. The thread’s title was ‘BRUCE WAYNE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF’ and all the post said was ‘THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!’ Raising an eyebrow, Alfred looked at the man he’d done his best to help raise since he was a boy. “What is the point of this exercise, Master Bruce?”

Stepping away from the computer, Bruce slipped off the purple gloves of his costume, and took off the cowl, to reveal the hint of smile on his stoic face. “It may take some time, but I think this will bear fruit.” The butler didn’t understand, but Bruce knew he would, it would just take a few years. Sure enough, the posting grew from just an underground element of forums to something more. As the internet grew in size and interconnectedness, the idea that Bruce Wayne and Batman were the same person became what the kids called a ‘meme’.

By the late 2010’s, Bruce Wayne couldn’t imagine how well it had gone. There he was, still looking just as handsome and charmingly oblivious in his public persona in his 40’s as he had in his 20’s, on Steven Colbert’s late night talk show, when the topic came up, just as they came back from a talk show. “Now, I know you’ll have to kill me if I’m right,” the comedian began, and Bruce was already laughing. It looked enough like genuine laughter to come off as real to anyone watching, anyone who didn’t actually know Bruce Wayne. “But I’ve been reading some stuff online, and I have to ask: are you Batman?”

The audience was laughing about it as well, and Bruce waited for that to die down before appearing to get his breath again after his attack of laughter. “If I ever meet the yahoo that started that rumor in the 90’s, I don’t know if I’ll sue him for slander or shake his hand.” It was an easy set-up, one he handed to the host without either planning it.

“Well, from what my lawyer tells me, it wouldn’t be slander. It’s in print, so it’d be libel.” That got some more cacophonous joviality from the audience, but when people could hear them talk once more, Colbert reached under his desk as he said, “Well, you say that, but I have a way to see if it’s true.” Sure enough, the entertainer pulled out a low quality, store-bought rubber Batman cowl and handed it to Bruce. “Put this on, and we’ll see the truth, won’t we?”

Already chuckling, Bruce put it on, making sure to look like he had to struggle to do so. Once it was on, he got out of his seat and approached thin air, holding his hand out as if there was something in it. “Excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you from robbing this bank?” The joke killed, and he had another one lined up for when they’d recovered from that one. “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior, or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave.” By the time the show had ended, and Bruce was entering one of his many absorbently expensive cars with Alfred at the wheel, he knew the clip would go viral, just as the last six interviews poking fun at that hip new internet meme revolving around the corporate juggernaut had.

Looking at the butler via the car’s rear view mirror, Bruce could see that the man was torn between exasperation and relief. “I cannot understand how you get away with that, sir.” Was all he said, and it did make Bruce feel at least a little guilty, seeing how this particular gambit wore at his primary pillar of support.

Doing his best to try and calm the older man down, Bruce began trying to explain it to him. “People were always going to notice some physical similarities between Bruce Wayne and Batman, Alfred. With time, both personas would grow in media attention, regardless of what I did with either. The easiest way to stop anyone seriously wondering if the two were one and the same would be to make the idea one only suitable for ridicule. Lampoon it. Combine years of ridiculous internet theory posting with a Bruce Wayne the world can see, one who is silly and affable and gullible, and the secret stays safe.”

Of course, if he was trying to make a case for why this had been necessary, why this had been a good move, it was not made better when, after arriving back at Wayne Manor, they quickly ran into Dick Grayson. Now in his late twenties, the young man’s face split into a wide grin the second he saw his adoptive parent. Pulling out his phone, he brought up the interview, already online. The top comment was, “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” which Dick helpfully read aloud, in the silliest voice he could come up with. Perhaps the tactic had been effective...but it may not have been worth this.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is entirely thanks to tumblr user raptorific. I can’t deny I basically copied the entire idea, but after reading his wonderful post, and the additions to it, I had to make this. Full credit for the idea goes to them, kyraneko, and dabard95. You can read that tumblr post here: https://dabard95.tumblr.com/post/151614163822/kyraneko-raptorific-bruce-wayne-maintains-a#notes


End file.
